January262013
thesurrealreal:

Enjoy a Dash of my Curls this evening, my loves.
This is what happens when my ends get wet, now imagine all my hair being wet…. Mixed race problems right here.

Curly hair is not a ‘problem’.

thesurrealreal:

Enjoy a Dash of my Curls this evening, my loves.

This is what happens when my ends get wet, now imagine all my hair being wet…. Mixed race problems right here.

Curly hair is not a ‘problem’.

January22013

My weight loss..

These are durings.

Height - 5’5”

Starting weight - 196lbs/14st

Current weight - 161.2/11.5st

Goal weight - 140lbs/10st

I got down to 154lbs, but gained 10lbs. Currently working on losing the 10lb gain then back on track to my goal weight. 2.2lbs of the 10lbs lost so far.

I started in March 2012, so it’s taken me about 10 months so far. There have been several times where I’ve struggled and stalled for a month or more, though, usually every time something changes in my life. Been under a lot of stress lately.

I don’t exercise, I count calories with MyFitnessPal.

My story:

This is my story, condensed. Some bits are left out, but you get the idea, right?

I was a slim baby, a skinny child, a curvy but slim teen. Then I ran away from home when I was 14. I got so skinny from the lack of food (on the streets a lot), that my bones were showing. Collarbones, ribs - you name it.

I came back home after 4 months of living rough, staying at people’s houses, being in care homes and barely eating. And I ate for England. It’s like I was making up for lost time. I gained weight fast, but it was good weight. I was still slim. But it went too far, and I was chubby. I was very unhappy with my weight, and everyone felt the need to mention it to me.

Anyway, life went back on the straight and narrow. Still problems at home and school, but I went back to school, got my GCSEs (missed all of year 10, but got 5As, 3Bs and 2Cs!!!) and went to college.

Then, around the middle of year 12, I developed clinical depression (I’m still fighting it). It got very severe. I dropped out of college, worked part time and let myself go. I stayed up all night, slept all day. Didn’t leave the house except from to get food and go to work once or twice a week. I just didn’t care about myself, or my appearance, and eating filled that big ol’ empty void inside my heart and soul. And, hell, whole trifles and Mcdonalds sounded good to me. I binged  frequently. The urge would overtake me, and I’d inhale a whole cake, eat until I felt sick. And ..

I felt powerless, you know? I mean, *I* COULDN’T possibly lose weight. I have no willpower! It’s too hard. I love food. I just made excuse after excuse, usually through a mouth full of food, and stayed in denial, despite my growing frame.

Up until March 2012, I was still locked in a vicious cycle of binging, feeling bad about myself, eating crappy food, making half hearted attempts to ‘eat healthy’ and failing miserably. I put on about a stone between Sept (when I met my ex AND started work at Starbucks) and March. I felt DISGUSTING. I hated myself. I didn’t take, or let anyone take, pictures of myself. I avoided mirrors as much as I could, but did spend a lot of time examining my reflection, every so often, in disgust. I didn’t feel like a human deserving of love or attraction. I hid my body in crappy, ugly clothes. I felt like crying every time I tried on a pair of clothes and it didn’t fit.

And then I found MFP.

MFP has been a lifesaver to me. I NEVER thought I could lose weight by myself. EVER. It’s given me the freedom to ‘budget’ calories, and now I make healthy choices with the security of knowing I can still lose weight, even if I slip up and eat a piece of chocolate, or something. I feel like I have some control, for once, and it’s exhilarating. I have truly made some lifestyle changes, via the simple tool and knowledge of calories.

I’m not going to pretend that this is easy, that I don’t still battle my f-d up relationship with food, that I still don’t get the urge to binge when I feel lonely or sad or that I’m not scared that I’ll go back to my old ways when I reach goal - but this is a journey. And the journey is just as important as the goal. I am gaining experience, and enjoying it. I am falling in love with my body, and that rocks!

December252012

Why I always cry on Christmas day.

When I was 12, something happened that changed my life forever. I will not go into it, but it happened on Boxing day, and was the beginning of an ordeal that lasted for at least 1.5 years and one that left scars hurting a lifetime.

Everything Christmas was to me then; happiness, family time, spirit, presents; above all; a magical time, changed. It was now a symbol of shattered dreams, and it was my fault.

Since then, and increasingly as I grow up, Christmas is a cold, dark and lonely time for me. As other people bask in the glow of the festive cheer, I feel less and less festive until it accumulates into unshed tears on Christmas day. And on Christmas day, they finally fall.

As selfish as it sounds, the lack of thought that goes into my, and quantity of, presents tends to make it burn more. As people around me get what they want, I am confined to impersonal sprays and bath sets that I don’t use. I do not want expensive gifts, although an iPad or an iPhone 5 would be great; I just want some thought and personality in my gifts.

But I digress.

Birthdays are similar for me. In fact, any sort of ‘happy time’ makes me feel intensely sad. I tend to withdraw from people as people are trying to reach out. I want to be alone, and people expect you to socialise.

And I always cry.

May312012
11PM
April152012
August172011
August92011

daylightshadow-deactivated20130 asked: OMG. I had tears in my eyes when I saw your message. Dear, how are you? How is your family? Is everyone safe? Be careful. Don't go out and if you do, get out of the danger zones.

I am fine, albeit shaken up, scared, paranoid and disgusted. I can’t believe this, I can’t believe it. I was in Hackney earlier, and screamed at a girl who literally set her fellow animals on a photographer. They hit him around the head with a bottle. I was FURIOUS. I am terrified, not even for myself, but for everyone else and the police. I want this to end :(

Thank you for your concern <3

4AM

ipieman:

Ashamed to be a Londoner right about now.

4AM
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